Coming to China?

( Tounge in Cheek Outlook)

Just in case anyone out there might be crazy enough to be thinking about moving to China, I thought I'd put together a helpful guide that will make sure you're prepared. Here are a few tidbits I've gathered over the years.

One important thing to remember is that China certainly isn’t for everyone. Over the last 3 and a half years I have met many foreigners who actually hated being here and treated it as a prison sentence – they were mostly young Aussies, but there was also a Kiwi in that group. If you have never traveled outside your own country, perhaps you should not come to China as your first foreign country – I love it here, but them I am not normal.

 

If you in any way insist on even a minimum level of sanitation, DO NOT come to China.
Don't worry about those kids with slits in the back of their pants. It's not that they're too poor to fix the hole. That's just how they use the bathroom. After all, why waste all that money on nappies when you can just rip a hole in the kid's pants and let them do their business wherever and whenever they want. That’s a reason why you have to remove your shoes before going into any Chinese home.

Develop & exercise those quads and calves. At some point you will have the runs and only a squat toilet will be within reach. You're gonna need all the strength you can muster to survive this ultimate endurance test.
If you do end up spending a lot of time using squat toilets, it's important to develop proper technique. At first, it might seem easier to balance on the front of your feet while leaving your heels in the air, like a baseball catcher. This method will tire you out much too quickly, however. The proper technique is to lean back and rest on your heels with your arms stretched out in front to give you proper balance. With practice, this method will ensure you have plenty of time to do your business before your legs start to feel like they're on fire. In time, you might even feel comfortable enough to kick back, relax, and read a newspaper, smoke a cigarette or chat with a friend on your mobile phone while using the squat toilet, just like the Chinese do. Am important point here is to always carry your own toilet paper wherever you go, even on trains – the paper you may get supplied is like 60 grit sandpaper.

-Avoid cheap bai jiu (the local liquor). In fact, some say to avoid any kind of bai jiu, but your resident alcoholic would never give such advice. The cheap stuff is bad, though. Think of the absolute cheapest vodka at your local liquor store. Now imagine something 100 times worse. That's cheap bai jiu for you. If you value the lining of your stomach and throat stay away from it. My one and only experience of it was not good – I lost three days of my life and about 5kgs.

Work on your spitting abilities. Nobody can spit a good old-fashioned snot rocket like the Chinese, so you've gotta be ready to compete with the best in the world. One of the most important aspects is to work on that deep, guttural growl that emanates from way down as you're bringing that symphony of snot up from the depths. Don't worry, because with China's weather, you'll have more than enough phlegm to practice and show off your craft as much as you want. And, ladies, in China this is an equal opportunity sport. No sexism here! In fact, some of the best spitters I've seen have been elderly grandmothers, their skills honed by decades of practice I'm sure. Two important things to remember. Style and substance are both important. There is no such thing as an inappropriate place to hawk a well-crafted wad of phlegm.


If you are spending the day hiking up a mountain or other strenuous activity where other people will be around, it is imperative you wear your very best clothes. Additionally, ladies should wear high heels. It's important to keep in mind that comfort and safety are not important when you are hiking up a mountain. Looking good in front of your family, friends, and thousands of people you have never met is always paramount. Enjoying the scenery, fresh air, and physical exercise all come a distant second in importance.

Speaking of fresh air, it will become only a fantasy while you are in China. After a year in the country, your lungs will resemble those of a 50-year-old two-pack-a-day smoker. Even though you will not be able to see more than 100 meters ahead of you on account of the smog, your Chinese friends will encourage you to open up the windows to let in some "fresh air". Do not wear a white shirt when it is raining. It will develop black streaks from the acid rain if you do this too often or, if you're like me, wait too long to do your laundry.

Please don't think all Chinese people go around wearing the drab Mao suits that were the fashionable choice about 40 years ago. Nowadays, young, chic Chinese do their best to mix their own unique style with what they think is stylish in America. My personal favorites are the "elf shoes" that so many women wear and the shirts with nonsense English words written on them. Anybody who thinks having Chinese characters tattooed on their body is cool needs to come to China and see how ridiculous it looks to have meaningless foreign words you obviously can't understand scrawled across your body.

Local beer can be had for as low as 1.5 yuan (NZD0.25) for a huge bottle. Yes, it's watered down, but it's cheap for crying out loud and doesn’t taste too bad. If you actually care about what your beer tastes like, however, perhaps you should stay away. If you want to get all uppity about it, you can drink Tsingtao, the national brand. And if you're really a pretentious snob, you can drink Heineken, Carlsberg, or Heineken. But honestly, though, you could drink that crap anywhere. Stay with the local stuff. You'll "develop a taste for it" soon enough.

Overnight sleeper buses are always a good time. The beds are five feet long, at best, and perhaps a couple feet wide. Plus, the blanket they give you invariably smells like rotten cheese. On the other hand, it's fast, it's cheap, and it saves you from having to pay for a hotel. I'm a fan. Fat Americans might want to consider other options, however. The trains are good, especially if you get a soft sleeper and most of them do have a western toilet at one end of the carriage. If you are doing a long trip like I have (48 hours) you will find the do start to smell. The attendants on the trains will lock the toilets as you come into a station – as you business flows straight out onto the tracks, that is why you will see dogs on the search just outside cities or towns, for a fresh dinner!!!!!. The soft sleeper carriages are comfortable and private – they have their own locking doors and you only have to share with three others, as opposed to five others in hard sleepers. Try not to get seats for long trips – been there done that – you will inevitably have to fight to get your set back after you have been to the toilet as they sell standing tickets here.

If you suffer from paranoia don’t come to China – people really do stare at you here – there is no rule for this – I have been into the smallest villages and not been given a second look, yet in some larger towns or cities have been stared at like an unusual animal in a zoo.

Speaking of zoos, if you happen to be a zoo goer – forget it here, you will either end up being enraged or you will cry – It is the most depressing and upsetting thing I have ever seen in my life – they do not treat their animals very well in most cases.

These are just a few tips off the top of my head to help get you started. There's much more you need to know I hope nobody (re: Chinese people who may be reading this) is offended by this post. I only mock that which I love. It is a wonderful country with great friendly people – you cannot change thousands of years of history over a few short years.  As Monty Python's song goes " I love Chinese, they only come down to your knees, but they are happy to please".

Some of the best scenery I have ever seen has been here – but they do have a long way to go to catch up to the west.